So your children don't always get along. In fact, sometimes they seem to genuinely despise each other. Should you be surprised? No. Is there anything you can do about it? Maybe.

First off, think back to your childhood.

Maybe you had siblings. Did you always like them? No, we didn't think so. Or maybe you were an only child. Would you really have liked being forced to share your toys and your parents with a little brother or sister? Sure, maybe sometimes, but ALL the time? Not likely.

As long as there are brothers and sisters there will be sibling rivalry. But that does not mean you have to sit back and watch your children torture each other. We've surveyed some of the most popular parenting sites on the World Wide Web, looking for advice on how to cope with sibling rivalry. Here's a summary of what we found.
Guiding Principal Number one
Being Fair

Much of the literature on sibling rivalry seems to stress one principal that parents and children should try to keep in mind: All things are NOT equal. Sure, you should try to be fair, but don't think you have to count out the peas and make sure each child gets the same number at dinnertime. Let your children know that the decisions you make are based on need, not necessarily on fairness. At the same time, try to avoid using the phrase, "life isn't fair." To a child, those words often translate into "Mom isn't fair" or "Dad isn't fair."
Guiding Principal Number Two
Taking Sides

The experts also seem to agree on another point: Don't play referee. If your kids try to get you to choose sides in a dispute, refuse. Let them try to work it out on their own. You can teach them negotiating skills later when things calm down. With a little practice, they may learn there are perfectly good alternatives to playing tug-of-war with a disputed doll.
Create the Right Atmosphere

The key to keeping peace in the house is preventing fights before they break out. Here are few preventive measures you might try.

• Show Confidence In Your Children

Tell them you're sure they'll be able to get along when you leave them alone. They may actually try to live up to your expectations.

 

• Don't Meet Hostility With Hostility

Anger tends to feed on itself. How will your kids learn to control their anger if you can't control yours?

 

• Make Time For Each Child

Group time is good, but it's important to make each child feel special. Carve out some time for one-on-one get-togethers at the ice cream shop.

 

• Separate Them

We all need our own space. Make sure your kids get some time away from each other.

 

• Hold the Comparisons

How do you like being told you don't measure up to someone else? Not much? Guess what. Your kids don't like it either. Avoid comparing one child to another and you'll avoid a major cause of sibling rivalry.

 

• Praise Good Behavior

Let your kids know that you like to see them getting along. Maybe they'll try to do it more often.

 

• Division of Labor

Meal times and snack times can be especially tough on parents. Avoid arguments about your lack of fairness by letting one child divide the food and letting thes other serve himself or herself first. You may be surprised how evenly things turn out.

Sometimes you need to tell your kids that if they fight, they'll have to pay the consequences. Some suggestions:

• Fought-over Items

Anything that the kids fight over immediately gets put away for the rest of the day, or any period you choose.

 

• "Me First" Shall Be Last

Anyone who says "me first" immediately goes to the end of the line.

 

• Last Laughs

All children who make fun of their siblings' punishment get the same punishment in return.

 

• Car Fights

When fights break out in the car, the trip is immediately suspended. The car will pull over and remain there until calm is restored.

 

• No Tattletales

No use telling on your brother or sister. Your words will fall on deaf ears.

 

• Put Up Collateral

Your daughter wants to borrow your son's soccer ball? Fine. But she'll have to put up something of equal value to ensure she returns it.

• Positive Parenting on-Line: Fighting Siblings
• Parenting Q&A: Family Relationships/Sibling Rivalry
• ParenTalk: Toddlers: Getting a Handle on Sibling Rivalry
• ParenTalk: Preschoolers: When to Intervene in Sibling Fights
• Family.Com: Louisville Parent Magazine/Stopping Sibling Rivalry
• Family.Com: Toledo Area Parents News/Escaping the Jealousy Trap
• Family.Com: Chesapeake Children/Detecting Each Child's Uniqueness
• Sesame Street Parents: Siblings
• Practically Perfect Parenting: Sibling Rivalry

The Phoenix: Family Skills: Managing Sibling Rivalry