The Passing Childhood -- 2nd draft
(Get a more precise and impressive title)
|
|
|
|
| Nice transition to the past. You can describe the falling of the photos and that specific photo more. | One hot and humid afternoon in the middle (mid-) August, Mom forced me to clean up my bedroom, especially those drawers which seemed to overflow. It was not an easy job, for these drawers contained all kinds of stuff since I was a child. However, a job was a job, so I began to overturn the drawers and put everything in order. Carelessly, I dropped a handfulof papers and citation(D)?. As I picked them up and took a look at them, trying to recall some pieces of memory, I found a picture inserted between the two drawings. The picture was taken on the fair (a campus fair that took place in; or a sports meeting?) of my third grade in elementary school, and it was a chubby boy standing by an elephant-shaped slide. Suddenly, I was (O-- found myself going) back to the third grade of my elementary school. (a bit more here to suggest the central meaning of your story) |
| preposition (¤¶¨tµü¡^ | I remembered that (O)
our classroom was on the first floor, and there was
one elephant-shaped slide outside it. At that time, we only caredone
thing-to occupy the slide. We had to race to the slide with those
disgusting kids in B class. We all hated those
"barbarians" in B class, because they
always fought with us for the right to play on the slide.
As
a result, we always got nervous when the break time was near. And
when the bell rang, we all rushed
out the classroom, though the teacher might
still be lecturing. If we managed to occupy the slide, we would
shout and yell; if we failed to, we would curse them(?, and then). May God forgiveus; we were really wild then. |
| Who are we?
Why don't you give them names, or personalities? Why not words?
Or your relationships?
Throughout the whole year, we created all kinds of poses to slide down the slope: standing, sitting, kneeing, crouching, lying on our back,lying on our belly, head-first, foot-first, with right hip only, or with left hip only. Oftentimes we slid down alone, but we (nice transition) also tried two-manslid down together (N. two-person slide; or V. but we also had two persons slide down together. . .), three-man slid down together, andmore-than-five-people slid down together. And then, someone created to eat snacks when sliding down, so we attempted to slide and drink yogurtor to slide and eat dried mango at the same time. I remembered that the most incredible one was to slide down the slope with one foot while devouring a whole pack of instant noodles. (what did your playmates say about this?) (another par about the more symbolic meanings of the slide.) In our childish mind, we believed that the one who could create a cool pose that no one could imitate must earn a large fortune in the future, so that he could buy athousand kinds of snacks and the Holy Fighter puppet. (T) We convinced that there must be a long long slope in heaven, so that we could slide for along long time without stop. |
|
| Transition too quick and sudden | Ten years passed. Little by little I realized that heaven was not a concrete place, and I was no longer at the age of playing on the slide. (Why not start from the next sentence?) I remembered that(O) on the last school day of that year I stealthily went to say farewell to the slide. In my simple mind, I should think that mylife would come to an end since I could not live with "the heaven" any longer. And (But) then, the summer vacation came and went. The new semesterbegan, and our "heaven" (was) moved to the garden where we playedhide-and-seek. Therefore, the slide, which used to play the role of "heaven," was forgotten and left beneath a big old banyan tree in a hot and humid summer. |
| (S) -- 1st S, break into different S. | Sometimes I myself would think that childhood
was composed with (of)
innocent
thoughts; as we grew up, becoming more and more socialized and
rejecting to(D) believe those unreasonable things, then, our childhood seemed to leave us farther and farther. At last, only(Inverted S) in our dreams we allowed these stupid ideas come to our mind, and, our childhood was over. The only thing left would be our memory-our memory of the passing childhood. |
Good job and keep working on it!
| Good
intro.
Transition; |
One hot and humid afternoon in
the mid-August, Mom forced(ordered) me to
clean up my bedroom, especially those drawers which seemed to overflow.
It was not an easy job, for these drawers contained all kinds of stuff
I had kept since I was a child. However, a job was a job, so I began
to overturn the drawers and put everything in order. Carelessly,
I dropped a handful of papers and awards, and they
(which) scattered everywhere. While I was picking them up
and taking a look at them, trying to recall some pieces of memory, I found
a picture inserted in the fissurebetween two
drawings. The picture was taken on the sports meeting of my third
grade in elementary school. In the picture there was a chubby boy
standing by an
elephant-shaped slide. Because of (From) the clothing of the boy, I recognized that it was in early winter then (omit). However, the shining smile on the boy's face just wiped away(warmed up) the cold weather and showed the (a) delightful atmosphere there. Suddenly, I found myself going back to the third grade of my elementary school, to the warmth and delight I felt whenever I played at the slide. . |
| good details | Our classroom was on the first floor, and there was one elephant-shaped slide outside it. At that time, most boys and some girls in our class only concerned about (were only concerned with) one thing- : to occupy the slide. We had to race to the slide (and compete) with those disgusting kids in B class. We all hated those "barbarians" in B class, because they always fought with us for the right to play on the slide. As a result, we always got nervous when the break time was near. Our classmates would wink at me and A-dai and remind us of the time, for we were two leaders of our class. And when the bell rang, we all raced out the classroom, though the teacher might still be lecturing. If we managed to occupy the slide, we would shout and yell; if we failed to, we would curse the barbarians until again the bell rang and enforced us to go back to the classroom reluctantly. May God forgive us; we were really wild then! |
| good & vivid details | Throughout the whole year, we created
all kinds of poses to slide
down the slope: standing, sitting, kneeing, crouching, lying on our back, lying on our belly, head-first, foot-first, with right hip only, or with left hip only. Oftentimes we slid down alone, but we also tried two-person slide, three-person slide, and more-than-five-people slide. And then, someone invented to eat snacks when sliding down, so we attempted to slide and drink yogurt or to slide and eat dried mango at the same time. I remembered that the most incredible one was to slide down the slope with one foot while devouring a whole pack of instant noodles. When A-dai, who created the pose, managed to do it at his fifth or sixth attempt, every one of us shouted and cheered for him. It almost lasted for a month that (And then for almost a whole month) everyone of us kept repeating A-dai's heroic story to anyone that he or she met. |
| (You can talk a
bit more about the friends you had at the slide.)
The slide was the most important and necessary (omit) place for us then; none of us could imagine what it would be if one day the slide was torn down. In our childish mind, we believed that the one who could create a cool pose that no one could imitate must earn a large fortune in the future, so that he could buy a thousand kinds of snacks and the Holy Fighter puppet. And we believed that there must be a long long slope in heaven, so that we could slide for a long long time(omit one "long") without stop, just like our interest in playing on the slide would never stop. |
|
| On the last school day of that year I stealthily went to say farewell to the slide. In my simple mind, I should think that my life would come to an end since I could not live with "the heaven" any longer. But then, the summer vacation came and went. The new semester began, and our "heaven" was moved to the garden where we played hide-and-seek. Therefore, the slide, which used to play the role of "heaven," was forgotten and left beneath a big old banyan tree in a hot and humid summer. | |
| Syntax | Ten years passed. Little by little
I realized that heaven was not a
concrete place, and I was no longer at the age of playing on the slide. Sometimes I myself would think that childhood was composed of games and innocent thoughts;. As as we grew up, becoming (and became) more and more socialized, we refused and refusing to believe in those unreasonable things or playing those children's(childish) games, then,(. Our childhood, then, was over) our childhood was really over(S; too long). At last, only in our dreams did we allow these stupid ideas come to our mind, and that did make me upset (omit). |
| Good ending | A Few
days after that mid-August afternoon, I had a dream. I dreamt
I
was playing with A-dai and those long-lost friends and, what surprised me, the teacher on the slide, too. Again we shouted and yelled wildly and happily. Give some more details. I had not been that carefree for a long long time; carefree as the chubby boy in the picture was. -- |
Good job!
Kate