Untitled Document

“Holy” by Golden Palominos


	中文意譯這個世界的一切對我而言已經不再重要了。我不再打扮好自己，外出和別人往來；日復一日我所做的事只有睡覺和呼吸，我再也不為飢餓和疼痛所苦；大部分時間我喜歡光著身子走在到處擺滿鏡子的屋子裡，看著自己在房間中飄浮。其他一切繁瑣、愚蠢、混雜、髒亂的身外張物，於我沒有意義，已經可以完全拋棄了。每天，我的肉體承受飢餓，一點一滴不斷地消耗，像刮挖淘洗一般把內在洗滌乾淨，直到只剩下體膚毛髮。這樣做能讓我一步一步淨化自己，趨近神聖，回到我最本來純粹的面目。我把自己身體肉體的裡裡外外像打掃房子一樣清理乾淨：我不讓任何不必要的外物進入我，我也不接觸任何其他自己以外的一切，我只靠著自己與生俱有的全部來存活——我的身體。我的身體不再是只是肉體，我的身體是能量和知覺的總和，所以我不需要食物，我只要消耗、銷融自己，我只用、只動、只吃自己。我知道那一天就快到了，當我達到完全的潔淨的時候，我的肉體會有死去的一天，但是我的身體將已經順利轉化成純粹的自我，純粹的靈，我的身體將會變成聖靈的殿堂。到時候，你是看不見我的，因為我已經不是一般血肉之軀的人類，我已經進入我的內裡，與我身體裡的靈化為一體。我都想清楚了，這就是我要的最終的純粹。 I eat only sleep and air and everyone thinks I’m dumb but I’m smart because I’ve figured it out. I am slimmer than you are and I am burning my skin off little by little until I reach bone and self until I get to where I am essential until I get to where I am Food doesn’t tempt me anymore because I am so full of energy and sense I can even pass by water now because I am living off the parts of me that I don’t need anymore. I could feel the slow drips of pain before, swirling inside where my lungs should have been. Now I’m clean inside. I threw out hundreds of things that I didn’t need anymore. All my dresses and bras stupid things like jeans and socks. Most days I float through the house naked so I can see myself in the mirrors. I have hundreds of them everywhere and they talk back to me all the time. They keep me true and pure. They make sure I’m still here. When I knew what I had to do I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts and ate them page by page so I could take my words with me. I can finally control my life and even death and I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe. This is my greatest performance and all of the actresses who won my parts will say how wonderful to let yourself go that mad, how wonderful to go on this kind of journey and not care if you come back to tell the story. I scratch words on the walls now so people will visit this museum and know how someone like me ends up like this (they’ll say there is art in here somewhere). Everything that comes out of me is sacred every tear, every cough, every piss. Everything that comes off of me is sacred every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair. Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones against the windows at night. I light candles and feel myself evaporate. This body is a little church, a little temple. You can’t see me now because I’ve gone inside. My family doesn’t call anymore. My friends don’t call anymore. You can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t hurt me anymore. Only I can. And that’s okay. I don’t need them anymore. I can live off of me. I speak to me. I dance with me. I eat me. When they find me, I’ll have a little smile on my face and they’ll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground and say they don’t understand. But I do. I don’t hurt anymore. I’m not lonely anymore. I’m not sad I’m not pretty anymore. I made it through. I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing. Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I’m doing fine, I’m almost there. Every day I get a little closer to vanishing. Some days I can’t stand up because the room moves under my feet and I smile because I’m almost there, I’m almost an angel. One day when I am thin enough I’ll go outside fluttering my hands so I can fly and I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you silently like wind.