Holy
I eat only sleep and air
1
and everyone thinks I’m dumb
2
but I’m smart because I’ve figured it out.
3
4
I am slimmer than you are
5
and I am burning my skin off little by little
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until I reach bone and self
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until I get to where I am essential
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until I get to where I am
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Food doesn’t tempt me anymore
11
because I am so full of
energy and sense
12
I can even pass by water now
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because I am living off the parts of me
14
that I don’t need anymore.
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I could feel the slow drips of pain before,
17
swirling inside where my lungs should have been.
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Now I’m clean inside.
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I threw out
hundreds of things that I didn’t need anymore
.
21
All my dresses and bras
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stupid things like jeans and socks.
23
Most days I float through the house naked
24
so I can see myself in the mirrors.
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I have hundreds of them everywhere
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and they talk back to me all the time.
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They keep me true and pure.
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They make sure I’m still here.
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When I knew what I had to do
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I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
32
and
ate them page by page
33
so I could take my words with me.
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I can finally control my life and even death
36
and I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe.
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This is my
greatest performance
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and all of the actresses who won my parts will say
40
how wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
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how wonderful to go on this kind of journey
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and not care if you come back to tell the story.
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I scratch words on the walls now
45
so people will visit this museum and know
46
how someone like me ends up like this
47
(they’ll say
there is art in here somewhere
).
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Everything that comes out of me is sacred
50
every tear, every cough, every piss.
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Everything that comes off of me is sacred
52
every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair.
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54
Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones
55
against the windows at night.
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I light candles and feel myself evaporate.
57
This body is a little church, a little temple.
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You can’t see me now because I’ve gone inside.
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My family doesn’t call anymore.
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My friends don’t call anymore.
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You can’t hurt me anymore.
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They can’t hurt me anymore.
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Only I can.
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And that’s okay.
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I don’t need them anymore
.
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I can live off of me.
69
I speak to me.
70
I dance with me.
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I eat me.
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When they find me, I’ll have a little smile on my face
74
and they’ll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground
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and say they don’t understand.
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But I do.
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I don’t hurt anymore.
78
I’m not lonely anymore.
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I’m not sad I’m not pretty anymore.
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I made it through.
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I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing.
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Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I’m doing fine, I’m almost there.
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Every day I get a little closer to vanishing.
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Some days I can’t stand up because the room moves under my feet
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and I smile because I’m almost there,
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I’m almost an angel.
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One day when I am thin enough
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I’ll go outside
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fluttering my hands so I can fly
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and I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you
94
silently
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like wind.
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文句注釋
1
.
energy and sense
這是很難理解的一種paradox（似非而是）。你必須先了解整首歌就是精神層次與物質層次的對立，感官的享受與飽足對歌者而言是使人遲鈍與昏沈的。因此絕食後你能夠重新得到精力與理智。這也就是為什麼佛家講求諸慾皆空，耶穌出道前也要先到曠野禁食四十天。
2
.
hundreds of things that I didn’t need anymore
這裡的拋棄行為是明顯的對於當下資本主義社會所大力鼓吹的消費主義一個直接的棄絕。廣告不斷脅迫、誘惑消費者購買東西，「我要買」成了習慣、疾病、偏執與個人生命意義。走到西門町、華納威秀、Sogo、大潤發，你會體會到歌者這裡的拋棄身上／邊的無用之物是進入她所謂的自我的純粹的過程之一。
3.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
這裡說她有千百個鏡子，而且它們都不斷與她對談。鏡子往往有自我省視的含意（另外就是有虛榮的含意，但這裡沒有），歌者拋棄世俗與物質的一切，進入一種自我不斷靈思與反省的境界，因此下二句才會說這些鏡子讓她純淨且確信自己的存在。
4.
ate them page by page
歌者可能因無人能夠理解她而不願在身後留下文字，將自己的作品再「吃」回去。
5.
greatest performance
最後棄絕物質世界而走向死亡，對歌者而言是她一生中最有意義的事（反過來就是說她在生活中找不到意義），因此她以最佳的表演來形容。人的一生有不同的角色，回過頭去看，在過程中彷彿不同的生命階段是由不同的「我」來扮演的。她這裡說曾經獲得機會來演她的女演員們會羨慕最後的這個（走向聖化）的角色.
6.
I don’t need them anymore
這裡歌者其實很自我矛盾﹒一方面說不需要別人，一方面想像自己的死亡變成藝術，供人瞻仰﹒
7.
there is art in here somewhere
前面提到歌者吃掉自己手稿，這裡她則是想像她成聖／死後，會有人來參觀，因此在牆上寫下字。到時候，她的聖化過程就會視為一種藝術（生前沒有人看她的文字）。
